I experienced something quite special in 2006, the 7th of April if I'm not mistaken. It was a feeling so strong that I remember it so well after nearly nine whole years. It was the final day of my SSLC Class 10 examination. An exam that in reality is not worth much, but is hyped to such a level that a 16 year old can get the impression that it's a matter of life and death. For the first time in my life, for a phase of a few months, I was under stress..
As soon as I finished the final exam and came out, it didn't matter if I had done well. Thoughts of the results didn't even make an appearance in my head. All that mattered was that it was over..! It was a feeling I'll never forget. I was free again.. The burden had been lifted.
I felt something similar yet again when the doctors decided it was time I was discharged from the ICU. It's the kind of feeling that's hard to express. I spent weeks confined in the solitude of the ICU. I could meet my family for only a period of half an hour or so. Though my physical pains were so great, it was this seclusion that hurt the worst..! And it was over, I could finally be with my family again..
When the nurse said they were gonna move me to the ward I couldn't control my excitement. It was the kind of ' pinch me, I must be dreaming ' kinda moment. I had to undergo a scan before I was taken there though. I think it was an MRI, not sure of the name, but one where I had to lie enclosed in an apparatus that vaguely resembled a coffin. Once you're inside, they'll turn on the machine and you'll have to bear some blinding light and a loud annoying noise. Oh and did I tell you the machine was kept in a dimly lit chamber with bare wooden walls..? Not exactly a happy place to be.
But, if there was ever a person on earth who was so so eager to get on that thingamajig it was me. What lay beyond that made me await my turn at the MRI like a child waiting for a roller coaster. How long I was scanned I'm not sure, but it didn't feel like anything more than a couple of minutes. Once that was done I headed for the ward and a big surprise awaited me..
Whenever I heard people say ' ward ' what came to my mind was a room with a few rows of beds separated by sheets. But the place they took me to was nothing of that sort. The room was expansive and posh. If I didn't know better I would've imagined that I had come to a hotel room. There was even a nice view with a large window overlooking the foliage. I loved the place. But the worries that I had developed in the ICU took over.
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| The View.. ☺️ |
Once I settled down I remember asking about the price of this ' deluxe ' ward. And it was a LOT! I had already worried too much about the thought that I had caused so much financial trouble to my parents, and here I was getting pampered in this beautiful yet overpriced room. I told em this was unnecessary, but they wouldn't have it any other way.. In their joy of having me back they were in a mood celebrate.
For an upper middle class family, my parents had always spent a lot. And it's always the same with regards to them, they love to spend, but never for themselves. Specially mum. Surely not always, but dad would at least occasionally spend for himself. But mum, never. Both of them went the extra mile to get me what I wanted. I guess I was the biggest beneficiary of their charity by a long long margin. I lived a childhood in which I was never made mindful of their toils and always believed that we belonged to a social bracket higher than what we actually belonged to. And here in the ICU I was reminded of those days from my childhood..
There was a lot of memories of that day, all happy ones. I ate normal food. In the ICU I used to be fed nasally for the major part, and even when I started taking food orally, it was usually a patients diet. So it was a welcome change. And I was fed by my mother.. Couldn't get better than that.
I had visitors. Family was the first to visit me. I remember my uncle come in and call me a miracle man. I told him, "The miracle man is upstairs ( in heaven ), I'm just the guy who received it..". Then I was visited by the pastor of my church and our church secretary. They told me about the prayers that they had been sending my way. I was grateful, as I was and am to all those who prayed for me and my family in those darkest hours.
My friends from college, Balajee and Yamunai were the first of my friends who I had seen post op. I gave em a nice bright smile, which I think they didn't expect. I was really happy to see em. My family members later told me that these guys would come check on me almost everyday. Other friends would come as often as they could too. It's really a miracle in itself that a guy like me had such friends.
Overall, the days immediately after I was transferred to the ward are among the happiest days of my life. Simply because I had been through such trauma and come out, and didn't have to face them again. Once again it was the same familiar feeling of a burden being lifted off my chest. Yet this time it was even better.
As great as that joy was, it pales in comparison to another moment in my life when an altogether different burden was lifted off my shoulders. The burden of sin..
In my life, right from a young age, I wished to be perfect before God ( unsuccessfully, but still the desire was there.. ). When I was very little this was all about the Ten Commandments. As I grew a little older I learned about the moral standards Jesus taught. By the time I was an adolescent, I knew what I should be doing to be blameless in front of God but, as always, I just couldn't do it. At this point in my life I was always filled with guilt and shame. I felt filthy and I was. Yet, a divine truth that every mature believer knew wasn't opened to my eyes. It was when I found it that I discovered the greatest joy in my life..
Back then I believed that only ' good ' people go to heaven. I wouldn't say I knew the Bible inside out, I was far from that, but I knew that the Bible has lots of dos and don'ts. In my mind, if I must reach heaven I had to work hard to follow this to a T. Don't get me wrong, I knew about the washing away of sins by the blood of Jesus. I knew that He, having lived a sinless life, died on the cross meant for cursed men. And I knew that by virtue of His death on the cross and resurrection He, and He alone, has the power to forgive my sins. So when I fell, I reached out to Him. But still, I hadn't fully understood salvation yet. But the truth was eventually opened to my eyes..
"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:" Ephesians 2:8
"..a man is justified by faith without the deeds of the law." Romans 3:28
"For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 6:23
These verses share the truth that I understood the day I was truly saved. There is an assortment of words here that bring you to just one conclusion. Salvation is through grace ( of God ) and ( my ) faith. All I need to do is remember that I am a sinner and repent for all that I've done against God's will and believe in God and that His son Jesus Christ died for my sins and that that act alone will save me. But what about me putting an effort..? Should I not strive to be a perfect man..? Well other verses in the Bible do say I should. Jesus Christ who I believe in, called me and each one of us to follow Him and His teaching. So yes, that's what I must strive to do each day. But is my salvation dependent on it..? Nope. Scripture clearly says that I am justified without the deeds of the law. It's God's gift to me.
So long, gaining salvation and a place in eternity through my efforts seemed improbable. But now I realised that it was impossible. As a man, with many sins under my name already in my short life on earth, what could I do to earn salvation..? Nothing. But that's the beauty of God's plan for man. We just don't have to do anything but believing in Him. That is His gift to mankind. That is His gift to me. And that is His gift to you. God never put a '*' next to His free gift called SALVATION, it was I who had put it there all along because of my ignorance. There's absolutely no 'Conditions Apply'..
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Mathew 11:28
That day, the day I understood this truth, was when I truly understood the meaning of the above verse. I came to Jesus and He took all my sins upon Himself and credited His righteousness to me, even though I have not worked for it.
Years together I had worried, worried and worried. My heart was always under the weight of guilt, pressing hard from every direction. I was ever burdened. All the sins I've done never allowed me to ever be truly happy. In my happiest moments my sins would remind me how miserable I truly am in God's eyes. On that day however all that ended. Sin no longer had any control over my life.. Jesus took away that burden. I was set free..
