Rehabilitation: Life after.. Till this day..

In many many ways, my trip to Rehabilitation Institute has made life easy on my return. Mistakes help you learn in one of two ways. You either learn by making them or you learn through the mistakes of others. I had made my share of mistakes ( letting the pressure sore develop was one of em ), so had many others who had come there. The advantage of being among such people was seeing how these mistakes happened in their lives through their eyes, how they can affect your life and how they can be avoided. While people learnt from the mistakes I made, I learnt from theirs. RI lifted much of the ignorance related to my condition. In a way that lifted a lot of anxiety and kept me away from many worries that could've otherwise given me difficulties all this while.

Till this day, I have been waiting for Gods intervention in my life, but contrary to what one may think, that isn't a reason for me not taking up some kind of assignment. I'm not saying in my head that I'll never do anything worthwhile till I receive God's healing. The bed sore is one thing that has kept me from sitting down and becoming more productive. But the major reason is that I haven't been convinced in my heart to take up anything in particular. Not doing much though has kept my mind less cluttered. It has helped me look deep within myself like I have never done before. This phase of seclusion has been an effective catalyst to my spiritual journey. I have learned a lot about my faith far quicker than I ever would've had I not been let alone for so long..

Perhaps my healing will come before I take up anything, for even by staying within these four walls for these past couple of years I have learnt much about life and myself. Maybe I will have to wait a bit longer and will find something useful to do in these days. I don't know what God has in store for me, but whatever it is, I know that it will be for my best.. 

Rehabilitation: Inflow of Knowledge

While I made progress on the physical front, there was also much I had learnt as a person during my time in CMCH and RI. Even in the condition that I was in, I realised how much there is to be happy about. In fact after the accident I never felt like I was a cursed person, I always believed I was blessed. I believed that I was blessed to be alive. But over here, I realised why I felt that way and that there's a lot more I was blessed with..

I met so many different people at Rehabilitation Institute. Along with paraplegics, RI also offers therapy for quadriplegics ( people paralysed down from their neck ) and people who have injured their brain through accidents. The people there had injured themselves through various ways, some common, some not so. Motorcycle accidents and falls while climbing trees were more common. Some injured themselves playing pranks while some other injured themselves doing regular chores at home or work. When they gave an account of the the accidents that caused their injury, I realised how different each persons individual stories were. 

In contrast to my tale, some of their lives changed all too suddenly. Within a matter of days, some of them had gone from being perfectly to healthy, to people who bear the burden of being differently abled. I was in the ICU for a matter of weeks. Though my time there was challenging for various reason, one good thing about the long and arduous stay was that the information about my SCI and my future wasn't clearly put in front of me immediately. Even when people around me gave in to my pestering questions about why I couldn't move my legs, I didn't spend much time thinking about how it would affect my life. I surely had a lot of other things think about in the present. By the time I was thinking straight and truly understood the magnitude of my situation, I had gone through so much in the ICU that I was grateful to God to just be alive and breathing, literally. 

The way things happened in those initial stages moulded my attitude of my life post the ordeal. For such was the magnitude of the initial injuries and the pains that I faced during recovery that instead of facing despair at losing half my body, I was just happy that I hadn't lost it all along with my life. Some people may not need to go through all that I did in order to look at life with positivity. But for many others it's hard to feel as such. Perhaps I as a person am one who needed to go through these struggles to be able to come out of it in good cheer..? I can never be sure, only God will know. But I feel so..

I believe in the scriptures, and I don't believe that anything happens randomly. Everything happens for a reason. And the scripture says that "..all things work together for good, to those who love God" in Romans 8:28. In hindsight, I believe God planned out everything so that I might be able to hold in my heart that feeling of joy in being alive through these days. Had I never met such lovely people at RI who shared their experiences with me either directly or through a group, I wouldn't have realised some of the good in that journey filled with hardship..

Knowledge is precious gift that I received in RI. Apart from having systematic classes that discussed topics related to health and wellness for SCI affected people, the people of RI also gave me an insight into their lives and despite their challenges, how they are still being productive. Some take up regular jobs in the government or in IT companies. Some embrace their creative side. A few take up sports.. ( ever heard of Paralympics..? ), while a few others involve themselves in activism. While I heard all these stories, I had the chance to look at it in a way that someone without SCI or someone who is strongly connected with someone with SCI couldn't take notice. I looked at it all through a different lens. If I had never visited RI, and had instead stayed at home, all this could never have happened. Still, till this day I haven't emulated any of them. But at least it helped me know that I am capable..

Rehabilitation: Physical Training at Rehabilitation Institute

Even before we got there, we had come to know about the rigorous schedule in RI. The center is in high demand always. Due to a lack of quality rehabilitation centres in most places, people all over India travel to Vellore for therapy. But the centre can accommodate only 80 people at a time ( when I was there, there were plans of expansion, but I'm not sure if it has materialised.. ). So the doctors and therapists stress on delivering a concentrated program that will benefit the individual and also make sure that they can serve as many people as possible.

After the initial assessment of my conditions were done, my therapist set a goal for me. For my level of injury, I could be trained to 'walk' with the help of full-length callipers/leg braces ( KAFO ) and elbow crutches. While I was in CMCH ( Hospital and RI are a short distance apart.. ), I had been on a 'Tilt Table' to help me get used to the sensation of standing. It took my body about a couple of weeks to endure ( not pass out ) an hour of staying in a vertical position. I also received some therapy that made my upper body stronger than what it was. But still, in order to be able to 'walk' with the callipers and crutches I needed much more strength. So, as plan for formulated to suit my personal needs. All I needed to worry about were my daily activities. Everyday, the therapist would tell me what I needed to do and all I had to do was follow the instructions. Simple. 

Progress was quite speedy once we were in RI. Initially, I was fitted with callipers and made to walk holding parallel bars for support. ( Whenever I say walk in this article related to my time in RI, I'm talking about the pattern of walking that people use while they're fitted with full leg braces, i.e. walking with all the joints of the leg fixed. Since there is no movement of the joints of the leg, all the work is done at the hip joint. While one leg is firm on the ground and two hands are holding a support (bars/walker/crutches), the other leg is raised using the hip and placed forward. Then one hand moves forward while two legs and the other hand are fixed. Then, the next leg is raised and moves forward. This is the pattern of walking I'm talking of here.. )

Once I was comfortable doing this on the bars, I was made to walk with a walker which was a lot less stable than parallel bars. In a few weeks I was walking easily with a walker support. Then I returned to the parallel bars. But this time I held on to the bar with one hand while the other hand was given an elbow crutch. As always, it was difficult at the beginning, but then became much much easier. Finally, I let go of the bars and started walking with only the elbow crutches for support..

Each progressive stage was physically more taxing than the previous. Hence, while I was practicing walking during one session in a day, there was another session where I was working on my upper body strength. All these sessions came under the watch of the physiotherapy (PT) team. Side by side, I was also receiving occupational therapy (OT). When you hear the word 'occupation' therapy the immediate idea is about rehabilitation related to your profession, but this therapy isn't just about preparing you to face challenges at work. Along with such training OT also involves training you to face all daily activities, and enabling you to became as independent as you can inspite of the disability. 

So while PT was helping me walk around, OT helped me to stand up and sit. It helped me develop enough balance to reach out and do something. How to move from a bed to a wheelchair, how to transfer in and out of a car while wearing leg braces, these are a few of the things that OT works on. As I had my bedsore however, I was not allowed to sit, and hence most of the things related to a wheelchair couldn't be taught. Yet, I did learn a lot of skills that has helped me so far in my day to day life..

Rehabilitation: Going to CMCH

When I came back home from the hospital, I was in a miserable state. I was severely weakened and my body was just a little bit more than skin and bones. I had become so weak that initially even holding my phone up to type a text was quite strenuous. Muscles all over my body had deteriorated to such an extent that I could practically do nothing. This weakness is common for anyone who has been treated for severe trauma. And there is a systematic way to recovery. The solution.. Rehabilitation therapy. 

Daily exercises at home with the help of a therapist was a possible option. But we decided to go to a rehabilitation centre. CMC Hospital in Vellore has one of the best SCI [Spinal Cord Injury] Rehabilitation Institute's [RI] in India. Though most hospitals have physiotherapy units of their own, SCI patients have a lot of specific requirements that not all therapists are used to handling. In CMCH, the therapists work day in and day out with such people, so they are more adept at meeting their needs. 

The time we spent in Vellore was a matter of months. A lot happened at that time, both good and bad. Most of em though weren't as exclusively personal as what I went through in the ICU. You could say much of the events were usual hospital stuff. So instead of really describing the journey in detail, I think it'll be better if I briefly ran through what happened in my stay there and then spoke about all that I gained. As you would expect, there were lessons on how to manage my health and activities on a daily basis. But more importantly, there were lessons for life..

Our stay in CMCH was longer than most others who come for the same purpose. Though we had gone there for the purpose of rehabilitation, we weren't sent to RI immediately after reaching Vellore. We were admitted into CMCH's A-Ward. While we were there, therapy was available. However, it wasn't as intense as we had expected. We received around an hour of therapy each day. While in RI, it was almost like a school with nearly six hours spent solely on physical and mental training. We weren't told about the exact reason was for keeping us waiting in the ward for so long, but after persisting, we were sent to RI by the end of June..

Consequence of a Life Without Pain..!

'Consequence of a Life Without Pain..!' - Well, that's a confusing title isn't it..? If you're someone who's read a fair portion of my blog, then confusing it should be. Yet that statement isn't some smart word play, it's just as it says. While I have been whining a lot about feeling pain here and there in my body, all the pains I speak about, the physical ones, are confined to my upper body. It's either my back, or abdomen, etc. That is because I couldn't feel my lower body. I couldn't feel it then, I can't feel it now. If you slap my feet, it wouldn't hurt. If you pinch my thighs, you'd get no reaction. If you pour boiling water over my legs, and if I'm not looking at what happened, I wouldn't even notice it. That's the present picture. That's how things have been since that fateful day over two years ago..

As I injured my spinal cord, I could neither move nor feel my legs. But surely the latter isn't as big a problem as the former, right..? I mean, it's a problem that I can't walk or I can't move myself around easily. But why is it a problem that I can't feel such pains..? Amidst all the troubles I've had to go through, I should consider it as a blessing that I feel no pain in my lower body. At least that's what I subconsciously thought. But it wasn't so. And I learnt this the hard way. 

Pain, no matter how much you hate it, serves a purpose in our lives. Pain is never the problem. Pain is always the symptom of the problem. If you take your hand too close to a flame, the sting you get is an indication that you are harming your skin. If you pull back, you're spared. If you don't heed, you suffer more damage. That is the purpose of pain. Along with the ability to use my legs, that was what I lost due to the spinal injury. I lost the ability to feel pain.

Having gone through rehabilitation, and having lived two years this way, I now know what are the problems that can arise due to the lack of pain. But when I came back home from the hospital, I knew very little. And I didn't know about one of the most important thing that any person with a spinal injury must know about. Pressure ulcers..! They're also called as pressure sores. I had heard this term even before my accident. Older people, specially ones who are bed ridden, are usually troubled by these sores. Never in my life have I imagined that I could be challenged by this at such a young age.

Pressure Sores 101: Direct pressure is something that can harm our skin when it is applied for an extended period of time. Under pressure, our skin and underlying tissues act like a sponge that is squeezed. The blood that fills these tissues are pushed out and fresh blood coming in through the arteries cannot enter these tissues. Since blood is the vehicle that carries oxygen, the lack of flow deprives the tissues and the cells it is made up of of this basic necessity. Skin that is in good health will not break down immediately, it can sustain itself without O2. But only for a short duration.

Now when I say direct pressure, the immediate mental imagery is of something heavy or forceful pressing against you, like a weighty shopping bag on your lap perhaps. That also can be pressure that could harm you if it's placed like that for a long long time. But direct pressure also includes the pressure your skin and underlying tissues bear under your own body weight when you're doing simple talks like lying down or sitting in one place. How long do you think you can just sit still in one place..? If I was asked this question before my fall, I would've said perhaps two hours, or maybe an extra half hour max. You might claim that you could for longer. But both our claims are actually not possible.. Not without harming ourselves..

Our bodies are such complex machines, “fearfully and wonderfully made” by God. We are wired in such a way that much of the vital actions are done automatically. For instance, have you ever noticed how while sitting in a place for long hours, let's say while listening to a lecture, you have to lean forward and backward and from side to side from time to time..? Or when you're lying in bed at night, finding it hard to fall asleep, have you noticed how you turn from side to side frequently..? All these actions are in fact simple tasks that prevent the development of pressure sores. 

When you lean to and fro while sitting, you're shifting the weight of your body from one side of your bottom to the other. This seemingly random act allows blood to flow to places that have been deprived of O2 for a considerable length of time. Subconsciously you're taking note of the increasing pain in those areas and also taking the necessary precautions. Shifting from side to side at night also can be explained in a similar way..

So in essence, the pain (or discomfort) a normal person feels saves him/her each day from a very severe medical condition that could pose multiple health risks, even without their knowing. 

Now, at this moment, when I think of all this, it seems so obvious. But as we came back from the hospital and we were on our own, I hardly gave a thought to all this. Of course, we didn't have a shortage of things to worry about, so this surely didn't cross our minds. Before discharge, we had direct instructions from the doctors and nurses about turning from side to side every two hours while lying down on the bed. We did that. But we received no such info about relieving pressure on your bottom by lifting your body at least an inch off the chair while sitting upright..

In fact, it's not like I sat upright only after coming back home. While I was in the ICU, I gradually started to sit up. ( It doesn't sound that big a deal, but it is. When you've been lying down for more than a week, the first few times you sit up can be quite daunting. Feeling dizzy and nauseating isn't uncommon. I guess I started with 10-15 minute sits and gradually worked up capacity to sit for a whole six hours..) As I sat for hours together, I never once did a push up while seated ( and in my weakened state I couldn't have either ), nor did anyone else lift me up. 

In the genuine defence of the nurses who looked after me ( all of whom took the greatest of interest in my well being ), they wouldn't have looked after many people with paraplegia. Since most of my internal organs had been affected by the accident, I could fit into almost any ICU. And I was in the ICU that majorly dealt with liver ailments and paediatric care. So the specific issues of a patient with a spinal injury were overlooked perhaps..!

Anyways, I was advised to continue my sitting after going back home. And I did. Six hours was what I wanted to do. But at times, if we didn't have the man power needed to shift me from wheelchair to bed at that moment, that extended by a couple of hours. All the while, I didn't relieve the pressure. So without my knowing, the ulcer must have kept growing and growing..

Then, around a week into our home stay ( I'm not sure of the exact date, but it was around a week after I came back from the hospital ), my uncle who was a doctor did a check up on me and that was when we found out about the sore right under the left ischial bone..! We still have no idea when it started developing. We just know that when we found it, the wound was severe. My uncle was shocked and upset. I didn't really understand the magnitude of it. To me it was just a wound. It's not like I haven't been wounded before. So I expected that it will probably heal in a week or a month. But the fact that as I write this post, I still have a portion of that ulcer lingering and keeping me from sitting upright, is a testament to how severe a condition this is..

Of course, it's not like there isn't anything that can be done. Surgery is an option for most people ( yes, a lot of people who suffer from paraplegia and quadriplegia suffer with pressure sores. Most of them like me had to undergo this due to ignorance. When I went for rehabilitation I learnt that most hospitals either don't talk about sores, or don't stress the importance of avoiding them. I'm amazed how such a simple information can save the loss of time, resources and even life. If you ever come across a newly injured SCI individual, do tell them to ask their doctors about pressure sores. There's a mighty chance that their doctors might've failed to mention that except for a single line in their discharge summary. ) who have a similar wound, but it just wouldn't work for me. 

I learned from both doctors and patients during my rehabilitation that any operation to close the wound through surgery would require the most clinical of post operative care. A basic 'must-do', specially for people with ischial sores, is continually lying prone ( on your tummy ) for a period of three - four weeks. Due to other complications in my abdomen I can't lie down continuously in that position for more than a couple of hours ( even after doing regular pressure relief ). Hence, I have to wait for the body to go through its own healing cycle, or for God to miraculously intervene. And I have been waiting with hope.. 

In fact, even in this situation I have a lot to be thankful to God for. During my stay in the rehabilitation centre ( July - September '13 ), I got to see so many people who are suffering a lot more than me. Quadriplegics are people who cannot use their upper limbs in addition to all that I'm going through. And likewise, they cannot feel pain in their upper body. Such people risk developing sores in more areas of the body. They need to be even more careful. They face an even greater challenge..! I pray that The Lord will strengthen them to cope with their struggles. And I'm also thankful that He has indeed kept me better of..

By Gods grace, the wound is now mostly scar tissue on the surface. In a few months perhaps I will be able to sit and move around with lesser difficulty. Or maybe I might miraculously start walking around without any of these issues even sooner. Though I keep my requests before God in prayer, I dunno what His plan is. Yet, I know that His plan is always the best plan. In the mean time, I'm taking life one day at a time, thanking God for giving me this new lease of life that I am living, and thanking Jesus Christ, His son, for setting me free from my guilt and shame, and replacing it with peace and happiness. So what worry do I have..? None.. Life's just good..!

Homecoming!

After spending over three weeks in the hospital, it was finally time to go back home. But contrary to what one might think, I wasn't completely happy that day. Yes, I was a little glad that I could enjoy some home comforts with lesser restrictions and all that. But still, something really bothered me deep inside. I wasn't really sure if my parents could handle the extra burden that would be put in their hands..

That one thought made it so hard for me to really rejoice in the fact that I'll be going home. In the hospital there were nurses to look after my basic needs. If my health fluctuated ( as it did so easily in those initial days ) there were doctors to come immediately to take a look. If there was a need for a blood test or any other medical examination, there were facilities to do it all in an easy way. But at home we had none of these.

There were the many problems, but there was no simple solution. At that time, I didn't realise how long I would be in this condition. In my mind I thought perhaps I would be immobile for just a short time. I thought a couple of months of therapy would be enough to make my legs function again. So I imagined we could just be in the hospital, become normal again and then go back home. No one denied that out right. No one told me, "No Amos, therapy cannot make you walk again, what medical science could do, we have already done..". 

The doctors however gave another valid reason for why I could not be an in-patient for long. Hospital infections..! These infections are high risk to anyone who has been physically weakened. And since I had a spleen ( a vital organ in the body's immune system ) removed, and countless other weakening procedures, I could catch one of those infections quite easily. Treating them could be a huge headache for the doctors as some of these organisms do not respond to standard treatments. If I caught one, it could possibly be life threatening. So there was no arguing that, we just had to make do at home..

All the training and preparation my parents had was seeing the nurses help me out. Since I had spent most of my time during my hospital stay in the ICU, such occasions were limited. So I knew they weren't confident about it. I knew for certain that they had no issues with working as much as was humanly possible for my sake. In fact even when it was perfectly healthy they almost carried me in their arms for most of my life. Pampered. Yes, I was. And I had no doubts that they would continue to do the same..

Yet, I knew how frightening even the smallest of tasks would be for them, knowing that a little mistake could have a big impact on my health. We decided to arrange a home nurse and that eased some worries. ( But then, till this day we've never taken any full/part-time nursing help. It's usually mum and dad, or sometimes my sister. Occasionally when none of them could help out, my aunts or cousins have pitched in to help me with my needs.. ) 

Momentarily though, these worries would take a back seat. The staff at the hospital did something that I'll never forget all my life. That day, I wasn't really happy, I was just relieved. But what these people did changed all that. They made the day a day of celebration.

Even before anything started, I had sensed that something was going on. Slowly I started getting titbits of information about what was happening. They were going to have a cake cutting to celebrate my discharge from the hospital. I found it a bit funny and embarrassing to be honest. I've never been a guy who enjoys being the centre of attention. And in the state that I was at that time, that trait of mine hadn't changed. I just hoped it'll be done without much fuss and will be over soon.

The Cake.. 😋

But what happened was just the opposite of that. I was surprised, in a good way. Doctors, nurses and all who were associated with me in great or small ways, came to celebrate that moment. Songs were sung by a small choir. The hospital wasn't a christian establishment, but they arranged for songs with an uplifting christian message, knowing that me and my family would take strength in them. We cut the cake and shared it with each other. Those whom I had come to know on a personal level through the course of the past three weeks, came and shared some words of encouragement..

All that happened didn't ever feel like a formality, not for a second. There was some genuine love and care that I could make out. One of the doctor's who took great interest in me when I was in the ICU had a flight to catch at that time. He was keen on staying with us during the send off to the point that he could have missed his flight. He stayed, cut the cake and fed me a piece and only then did he leave. Overall, it was sweet gesture that they didn't have to show, but did. And it was something that did lift up my spirits before my long journey.

After bidding goodbye to everyone at the hospital, it was finally time to make a start. We boarded the car, it was an Innova. Our car wasn't a very spacious one, and since a bigger car would be easier for myself and for everyone travelling with me, my uncle decided to bring his. The journey began and for the first time in weeks I could see the outside world. It was refreshing to see people going about their carefree lives. Of course they might each have problems of their own, but still, they weren't worried about me, that surely was a change from all the people I interacted with in the recent past.

Sitting up for a prolonged period wasn't comfortable. But I didn't complain. Everytime I saw someone driving rash I could only think of the worst. Yet, somehow I drew courage that the Lord is looking after us. We reached home. And a welcome party was waiting for us.. For me..

Our temporary rented house ( our own was under renovation ) was on the first floor, and we didn't have a lift ( we never thought we'll ever need one ). So I was made to sit on a plastic chair with arm rests and I was carried up the stairs by my uncles and my grandmoms driver. Sounds like one of those pompous royalty from those period flicks right..? But I would've done anything to have it any other way. It was risky, not just for me, but also for all those who carried me. We couldn't have done it any other way. Thank God we were able to make it..!

I was welcomed home by my aunts and uncles, my cousin, and specially my amachi ( grand mom ) and thatha ( granddad ). I've always looked up to thatha as an upright man. He has held distinguished posts in the government. He was involved in the church ministry along side that, and after retirement he was even more active in that regard. But off late he had lost the confidence to move out of home because of his age and all the issues that come along with it. He stayed at home mostly, it was a worry for all of us. But that day he had come all the way here just to welcome me. His presence itself was quite special. 

I often feel, if you ranked people who were most devastated by my accident, I would come pretty lower in the order. People around me, the closer ones, worried more for me than myself. Mum and dad had such a hard time dealing with it. But I'm pretty sure if there's anyone who was hit the worst, it was my amachi. Till this day, nearly two years after my accident, I'm still the biggest worry of her life. She still loses sleep at night, staying awake praying and pleading for my sake. That day when I came home, she cried a little when she saw me. And I had to console her.

At home, everything was prepared before my arrival. My uncle and auntie ( mum's brother and sister ) along with my cousin and some helpers had cleaned up the house completely and re-arranged the furniture and everything else to suit my needs. So all we needed to do was get settled back in. All of us shared a wonderful dinner that night and it was nice to be back in their company.

I was showered with love that day, firstly at the hospital, and then at home from my family to show me that they were there for me. To this day my family has been my biggest source of strength and encouragement. They've supported me in every way they can and not once have they made me feel like I'm indebted to them. I can do a lot, and still fail to repay such love. 

But as great as their love for me is, even greater is the love God has shown toward me. He has used the people in my life to show me how much He loves me. If there's one thing in life that I can be sure of, it's that His love will always be the same..

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38,39

Set Free..

I experienced something quite special in 2006, the 7th of April if I'm not mistaken. It was a feeling so strong that I remember it so well after nearly nine whole years. It was the final day of my SSLC Class 10 examination. An exam that in reality is not worth much, but is hyped to such a level that a 16 year old can get the impression that it's a matter of life and death. For the first time in my life, for a phase of a few months, I was under stress..

As soon as I finished the final exam and came out, it didn't matter if I had done well. Thoughts of the results didn't even make an appearance in my head. All that mattered was that it was over..! It was a feeling I'll never forget. I was free again.. The burden had been lifted.

I felt something similar yet again when the doctors decided it was time I was discharged from the ICU. It's the kind of feeling that's hard to express. I spent weeks confined in the solitude of the ICU. I could meet my family for only a period of half an hour or so. Though my physical pains were so great, it was this seclusion that hurt the worst..! And it was over, I could finally be with my family again..

When the nurse said they were gonna move me to the ward I couldn't control my excitement. It was the kind of ' pinch me, I must be dreaming ' kinda moment. I had to undergo a scan before I was taken there though. I think it was an MRI, not sure of the name, but one where I had to lie enclosed in an apparatus that vaguely resembled a coffin. Once you're inside, they'll turn on the machine and you'll have to bear some blinding light and a loud annoying noise. Oh and did I tell you the machine was kept in a dimly lit chamber with bare wooden walls..? Not exactly a happy place to be. 

But, if there was ever a person on earth who was so so eager to get on that thingamajig it was me. What lay beyond that made me await my turn at the MRI like a child waiting for a roller coaster. How long I was scanned I'm not sure, but it didn't feel like anything more than a couple of minutes. Once that was done I headed for the ward and a big surprise awaited me..

Whenever I heard people say ' ward ' what came to my mind was a room with a few rows of beds separated by sheets. But the place they took me to was nothing of that sort. The room was expansive and posh. If I didn't know better I would've imagined that I had come to a hotel room. There was even a nice view with a large window overlooking the foliage. I loved the place. But the worries that I had developed in the ICU took over.

The View.. ☺️

Once I settled down I remember asking about the price of this ' deluxe ' ward. And it was a LOT! I had already worried too much about the thought that I had caused so much financial trouble to my parents, and here I was getting pampered in this beautiful yet overpriced room. I told em this was unnecessary, but they wouldn't have it any other way.. In their joy of having me back they were in a mood celebrate. 

For an upper middle class family, my parents had always spent a lot. And it's always the same with regards to them, they love to spend, but never for themselves. Specially mum. Surely not always, but dad would at least occasionally spend for himself. But mum, never. Both of them went the extra mile to get me what I wanted. I guess I was the biggest beneficiary of their charity by a long long margin. I lived a childhood in which I was never made mindful of their toils and always believed that we belonged to a social bracket higher than what we actually belonged to. And here in the ICU I was reminded of those days from my childhood..

There was a lot of memories of that day, all happy ones. I ate normal food. In the ICU I used to be fed nasally for the major part, and even when I started taking food orally, it was usually a patients diet. So it was a welcome change. And I was fed by my mother.. Couldn't get better than that.

I had visitors. Family was the first to visit me. I remember my uncle come in and call me a miracle man. I told him, "The miracle man is upstairs ( in heaven ), I'm just the guy who received it..". Then I was visited by the pastor of my church and our church secretary. They told me about the prayers that they had been sending my way. I was grateful, as I was and am to all those who prayed for me and my family in those darkest hours.

My friends from college, Balajee and Yamunai were the first of my friends who I had seen post op. I gave em a nice bright smile, which I think they didn't expect. I was really happy to see em. My family members later told me that these guys would come check on me almost everyday. Other friends would come as often as they could too. It's really a miracle in itself that a guy like me had such friends. 

Overall, the days immediately after I was transferred to the ward are among the happiest days of my life. Simply because I had been through such trauma and come out, and didn't have to face them again. Once again it was the same familiar feeling of a burden being lifted off my chest. Yet this time it was even better.

As great as that joy was, it pales in comparison to another moment in my life when an altogether different burden was lifted off my shoulders. The burden of sin..

In my life, right from a young age, I wished to be perfect before God ( unsuccessfully, but still the desire was there.. ). When I was very little this was all about the Ten Commandments. As I grew a little older I learned about the moral standards Jesus taught. By the time I was an adolescent, I knew what I should be doing to be blameless in front of God but, as always, I just couldn't do it. At this point in my life I was always filled with guilt and shame. I felt filthy and I was. Yet, a divine truth that every mature believer knew wasn't opened to my eyes. It was when I found it that I discovered the greatest joy in my life..

Back then I believed that only ' good ' people go to heaven. I wouldn't say I knew the Bible inside out, I was far from that, but I knew that the Bible has lots of dos and don'ts. In my mind, if I must reach heaven I had to work hard to follow this to a T. Don't get me wrong, I knew about the washing away of sins by the blood of Jesus. I knew that He, having lived a sinless life, died on the cross meant for cursed men. And I knew that by virtue of His death on the cross and resurrection He, and He alone, has the power to forgive my sins. So when I fell, I reached out to Him. But still, I hadn't fully understood salvation yet. But the truth was eventually opened to my eyes..

"For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:" Ephesians 2:8

"..a man is justified by faith without the deeds of the law." Romans 3:28

"For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 6:23

These verses share the truth that I understood the day I was truly saved. There is an assortment of words here that bring you to just one conclusion. Salvation is through grace ( of God ) and ( my ) faith. All I need to do is remember that I am a sinner and repent for all that I've done against God's will and believe in God and that His son Jesus Christ died for my sins and that that act alone will save me. But what about me putting an effort..? Should I not strive to be a perfect man..? Well other verses in the Bible do say I should. Jesus Christ who I believe in, called me and each one of us to follow Him and His teaching. So yes, that's what I must strive to do each day. But is my salvation dependent on it..? Nope. Scripture clearly says that I am justified without the deeds of the law. It's God's gift to me.

So long, gaining salvation and a place in eternity through my efforts seemed improbable. But now I realised that it was impossible. As a man, with many sins under my name already in my short life on earth, what could I do to earn salvation..? Nothing. But that's the beauty of God's plan for man. We just don't have to do anything but believing in Him. That is His gift to mankind. That is His gift to me. And that is His gift to you. God never put a '*' next to His free gift called SALVATION, it was I who had put it there all along because of my ignorance. There's absolutely no 'Conditions Apply'..

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Mathew 11:28

That day, the day I understood this truth, was when I truly understood the meaning of the above verse. I came to Jesus and He took all my sins upon Himself and credited His righteousness to me, even though I have not worked for it.

Years together I had worried, worried and worried. My heart was always under the weight of guilt, pressing hard from every direction. I was ever burdened. All the sins I've done never allowed me to ever be truly happy. In my happiest moments my sins would remind me how miserable I truly am in God's eyes. On that day however all that ended. Sin no longer had any control over my life.. Jesus took away that burden. I was set free..