I recently watched the Russell Crowe starrer, 'A Beautiful Mind'. In the movie, the man at the center of the story suffers from schizophrenia, a condition that doesn't allow him to tell the difference between what is real and what is not. I was reminded how even I, during my days in the ICU, had to go through a similar struggle.
When I was in the ICU, I was under heavy medication for the pains all over my body. There was the wound on my back, three lengthy sutures on my abdomen, three holes on the sides of my torso and many procedures on my insides which might've caused severe pain too. But these medications which served to ease the pain in my body, increased the pain in my mind. I started hallucinating.
There were a few amusing things my mind cooked up. I actually believed with conviction that the ICU room that housed me was in a corridor that was inside an air-conditioned vegetable shop opposite to the flat where I lived. Yes, that's exactly what I believed. And FYI there's no such vegetable shop opposite to my flat across the road ( ..though there is one two blocks to the left of my house ). When I wasn't believing I was in the Veggie Shop ICU, I had a few other places to visit on a regular basis.
Imagining I was in a warehouse in Ponneri was another weird hallucination. I imagined that my bed was perhaps feet away from a dusty road in that small town. I can actually put a finger on the reason why I had thought up of this. Ponneri is a town a few miles away from Chennai city. I had gone there for a function a few days before the accident. But of course, there's no logical explanation as to how an ICU ward can just pop up out of nowhere in such a place.
Other locations where I thought my ward was include, a private clinic of one of my treating doctors and lastly a hospital. Yes, for once my mind did spin a much more rational yarn. But I believed I was in the fourth floor of the hospital for some reason when the building I was actually in had only two floors and I was on the first floor. So even that wasn't true.
All those places acted as the backdrop for some drama. I would have a vivid and realistic dream and I would wake up, but never snap out of the dream. I would believe whatever I saw in my dream happened in reality and it was like that for a few weeks. You could say that these things aren't what one would call 'painful'. I mean, when your stuck in one room and had nowhere else to actually go to, it would be nice to imagine being in other places right..? Well, maybe, but these weren't the only things my mind made up..
Imagine this situation. You're having a nightmare. And when I say nightmare, I'm not about the ones with ghosts and demons, but nightmares that get personal.. Ones where you imagine bad things happening to you and the people you love the most. Usually when you wake up you'll know that whatever happened wasn't real, it was just a dream. But imagine if you wake up and your mind can't really tell the difference between dream and reality. You truly believe that all those excruciatingly painful things that you saw in those dreams actually took place. You believe those lies for days and sometimes weeks. Yes, that's how it gets torturous.
I can still remember most of those 'nightmares'. But I'll share just one of them. One that really took a toll on me emotionally..
I dreamt that the accident had become a financial disaster to my parents. I imagined that they had to spend all their life's savings in order to pay for my treatment, and were still in need of more. In reality, even though the cost of surgery, treatment and rehabilitation left a big hole in my parents pocket, finance hasn't been our biggest worry. God has been kind to my family over the years. We have been blessed with what we need and more than just basic necessities. But when I was in the ICU, I believed we were totally broke.
From a young age I had the sense of comfort that my parents were financially settled. I never felt the pressure to provide for them. The only motivation I had to work and enter a well paying job was so that they would be proud of me, and nothing more. I wasn't ever the most ambitious of young adults. So when this nightmare left this idea in my mind, that I had spoilt their lives post retirement, it hit me hard.
The thought weighed me down. I felt guilty and helpless. I wanted to end the treatment and go back home. I wanted to go out and work. I wasn't thinking straight. I couldn't. In that moment I couldn't even understand the situation I was in. I was so depressed. I was given a taste of what madness is. And the worst part of it all was that I was worrying and bothered for troubles that weren't even real.
And this wasn't even the only thing I worried about. Those nightmares made me think I had lost so much more that meant to me, some of which I don't even have the courage to speak of. I kept weeping and worrying every minute. I felt pain on all sides, physical and emotional. And there was no one to give me hope. Without doubt it was the darkest phase of my life.
Even in those days of darkness, one light didn't fail to shine on me. I distinctly remember the joy I felt when I read the Bible and listened to songs that spoke about the love of God. I felt my burdens being taken away. I just trusted on God to lead me out of this mess. While reading the Word of God I came across this passage..
“I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.” (Psalms 40:1-2 KJV)
I knew for sure that God is looking upon me in my difficulties. And He wasn't just observing, but He was willing to help. He has given His promise to pull me out of the mess that I was in and to set my feet upon a rock. For a person who's unable to walk and has so many other problems how much better than that can a promise get..? I believed it and it allayed my fears. I believe it now too. Till this day, I'm happy because I trust in Him.
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